It amazes me how God sends along some hope right when you're about to give it all up again. I say again because this wouldn't be the first time I have just wanted to forget everything and fall into an easier life. Sometimes I have given in. Sometimes I have been distracted at that last critical moment. And once or twice I have outright said no. Out of guilt, fear or a combination of both. Last night I had a stunning revelation as my old friend and I talked. What would I do if I was given the chance to be his again. (mistake me not. He wouldn't be mine) I don't know. I really don't know what my reaction would be. I told Katie that I almost want to be locked into a room with him and say "Give me your best shot big boy." And see what I would do. See if I'm repulsed or attracted. If I take the first shot or the first step into his embrace. Last night in the early morning light I was willing to drop it all, just so I would finally know. I was willing to go back to revert to that girl again, just so I would gain an understanding of what really went on.
I was willing to turn my back on God,
for one more moment of pleasure,
seeped in a thousand moments of pain.
And then tonight, before I had the chance to make good on my hasty decision I started to talk with him. About God. Traveling. Dogs. Math. Music. And I smiled big. I fairly well danced out of the office to my pickup. And then he called. I picked up without a moments hesitation, no calling bluffs needed. No big push. I just answered. I laughed. I joked. I laughed. I was myself. And we talked about God. Work. Mcdonalds. Triple X Church. Now we're talking again. Deeply. No awkward silences. Notice the recurring theme? God. Yep. That's right. Crazy Backslidden Emily talking about God. But guess what? He admits he's crazy too.
I know. I sound crazy. twitterpated. infatuated. silly. I'm just... joyful. Really and truly joyful.Thankful already so thankful that God saw fit to put you into my life through Regent. For hope? Trust? Joy? Math help? All of the above? I don't know yet, but I'm excited for this overwhelming joy. I hope it has come to stay. It's has been to long since I was joyful.
Last night I read a letter I wrote to Jared a few years ago. I talked about Proverbs 13:12. How hope is confident expectation. And to "defer" is to give up. So if you defer hope, you have no one to blame for your sick heart but yourself. Tonight the second part of the verse takes on special meaning. I understand now what it means to desire hope and how it brings life to your heart. Like rain to a withered tree.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.
It's a truly beautiful thought. A thought to hold onto for eternity.
What a difference hope makes in the heart of man. Or a woman.