Soul Mates in Oblivion

It's late and I'm thinking of you. There is something about this darkness that reminds me of you. Of who I was with you. of you and me. Some days I think I was happier when we were together or even those rainy springs days before we were together. Tonight I closed my eyes. A blink. Just a moment and I was immediately traveling back in time. My journey screeched to a halt on the day I got home from San Diego. We hopped on a 4-wheeler and drove up the valley. I think I fell for you when we hit that tree. In that very moment it was all over for me. No going back. It was perfect. It was just how I imagined it to be. I wished for that moment to never end. I wished that I would always have my arms wrapped around your chest. 
That we would always laugh. That whenever we looked in each others eyes we would know and we would understand. But we turned that 4-wheeler along and our moment passed.

It was our beginning. I'm glad I do have moments like that to look back on and think at one time we were happy. Before we allowed other friends drama to create drama in us. Before our physical reality overtook our emotional reality. Before my insecurity and your naivety clashed together. Before... well life smacked us and we crumbled. I sit here looking back and for the first time I can admit it was never "us" that was good. It was never you or me that was wrong. It was you and me... separately that was great. It is "us" that was never worth missing or fighting for. And here's the next truth. I miss you. I miss the boy who rode that 4-wheeler with me on that rainy spring day. Our love was easy then. It was understood. It was "you redneck? me redneck! Lets redneck." And that's all there was to it.

I don't want to delve into our past anymore. At least the "us" area of our past. We both made mistakes and I would like to think we both learned from those mistakes.
Looking back is futile and it is ignorant.

Futile for our inability to change the past.

Ignorant for our thinking that our past dictates our future. 

If we don't learn from history we are doomed to repeat it. Even worse, if we focus on looking back to our past we leave our back open to the dangers of an  undefendable future. So here's my lesson for the night.

"Don't look back. Just keep looking forward to the next thrill. 
The next lesson. The next passion. 
The next quest. That is satisfaction."

A soul mate is one who challenges you. So yes, you were indeed my soul mate. You challenged me to learn who I really was. To march to the beat of my own drum and to thumb my nose at the orchestra standing next to me. You challenged me to move on. Alone. To be lonely. And to be ok. You were my soul mate. The soul mate for the lesson I needed to learn.

And yet not the soul mate.

Thank-you. And I miss you.

Ignorance isn't bliss. It is oblivion.

An Unsent Letter

Last year I made a very obvious statement about “washing away the affairs of the past”.  At the time I considered it to be my final goodbye to Jared and all he was to me. As the car wash scrubbed on the mud on my truck I could also feel it scrubbing on my heart. As I drove away my heart fairly squeaked with the closure of a clean truck and a clean outlook.

They say that admittance is the first step to recovery. I often wonder where I am in that journey towards recovery. For the most part I have moved past the anger, hurt and regret. Some days I don’t even think about it. The days I do remember are still hard. Some days I seethe with anger. Some days I wallow in the hurt. And then the days come that the regret and embarrassment suffocate me. Thankfully with the more time that passes, the more days there are between. It has now been over a year since our official breakup. A year and a half since the beginning of our end (or any other trite phrase to describe the beginning of pain)

And then there are other days where I can sit back and relive the past without reliving the emotions of the past. Today has been such a day. I had embarked on a mission to clean out my closet, and I was already two trash bags into the mess when I found a letter from Katie dated Oct-13-2008. Judging by the letter we had had a disagreement/misunderstanding (as only Katie and I can) over nothing really. (mushrooms dammit mushrooms!) I stuck my head down the rabbit hole and remember the day I received the letter distinctly. It was in the middle of my “dark days of depression”, not that that is any excuse at all. I was aggravated all over again. After all I didn’t want to hear anything but what I thought I wanted to hear. What that was at the time I don’t even know. Looking back all I see is how self-centered I was. So self-centered I caused her hurt. Not intentionally, no not at all I just couldn’t work 

past my broken heart enough to see anyone else's brokenness.

Reading over the letter and my subsequent reply, I can’t even recognize the person I was. In that dark time I didn’t care if I lived or died. I went to work in a haze. I slept in a haze. I even cried in a haze. I pushed everyone away in desperate hope that they would love me enough to push back into my life. Jared did for a  time. He repeatedly (according to this letter, I don’t remember) tried to assure me that he loved me for me and didn’t want a “brunette bobbisue clone”. Katie repeatedly told me how much she loved me just as I am. In my reply I told her how my dad had told me how proud he was of me and I didn’t understand how anyone could be proud of me. I was worthless! Why couldn’t anyone else see it?

In the end of her letter Katie said “Why would you say “I’m so depressed” and how can you be okay with that? Why do you insist on being down? You are an amazing girl. Let nothing stand in your way…. You are a strong girl! Present that to the world!" I wish I could say that in the year since she wrote this that I had taken her words to heart and had worked through these issues and in fact I had planned on saying it. However, when I think on these last few weeks I see just how much I lie to myself about how ok I really am. Just the other day I caught myself thinking that if I didn’t have to tip-toe around Katie, constantly worrying about annoying her; we would have the perfect friendship. Then I read this letter and remember she has seen me at my very worst and still cared enough about me to write me a letter telling me how much she loved me despite my faults. Wait Wait! She knows my faults, understands I’m far from perfection and hasn’t run a million miles per hour in the opposite direction? How can this be? I’m sure that you, my dear reader already have this figured out. She flat out says “you are the biggest drama queen I know. 

But I love you despite all that."

 

It isn’t just with Katie but all other friends, family and relationships. I automatically assume that if I make a mistake they will write me off as a screw-up. If they aren’t expressing their amusement they must think I’m an idiot, or they must be angry with me. My inadequacy stares me in the face and I wake up every morning with the reality of how incompetent I am. Someone wise once told me “You are only as incompetent as you let people tell you, you are.” Maybe the deeper truth is that I’m only as incompetent  as I assume people think I am. Insert any other disparaging adjective and this truth holds true. 

Novel concept eh?

 

 

These past few pages reveal so much of the behind the scenes of my issues with anyone in the past year. I wonder how I possibly thought I was okay. Because the truth is, I’m not okay, but then again who really is?  I’m still broken and I’m still trying to heal. This letter opened up a new area of brokenness to me. Where I had previously stuck a piece of duct tape, this letter ripped it off and has opened it up to healing air. 

 

In reply I said something not as much for then but really for now “I have learned independence and although it’s a lonely place; it’s where I need to be right now." I’m lonely it’s true. I don’t have any friends left in town and nights like New Years only reminds me of how lonely my days really are. Yet, it has also been a time for me  to read old letters, consider past mistakes, and grow through present hurt.

That is true healing and I’m thankful for it.

Liberty Perseverance and Promise

Written Jan-7-2010

"You have no right, heritage or memorial"

I was thinking of this verse today as Katie and I toured around her ranch. She had a name for every field, dam and rock (well. almost) And she had a few stories for each of those too. All of this made me ache for an upbringing such as she was gifted with. I sat and wondered if she knew how very blessed she is in that. I don't have a piece of land I can lay claim to. I can't take my friends out to "the ranch" and name off every field. My heart aches a new ache at this realization. I want so very much to stake a claim and start making memories. To develop a right. To pick up some stones and make a memorial to my hard work.

Perhaps my writing is my memorial. And the air I breathe is my right.

But paper can burn and air is only good for the first breathe and then it is just a chemical of no use. 

What of my heritage?

Outside of Katie's ranch there is a sign that says "Butcher Ranch, Established 1929". That is a heritage, or at least the beginnings of it. Tonight we watched Good Will Hunting. I pondered Will's heritage for most of the movie. An extremely abusive foster father was all he had to look back on. But he had the chance to be better.  I thought of my dad and his fathers and his fathers father and even further back. Each of them continued to make the mistakes of his own father, even though they too had experienced the brunt of those mistakes. That is my heritage. It isn't exactly something I would want to put on a sign for all the world to see.

Do I have the chance to better? Do I have the chance to be different? Do I have the chance to establish a heritage my children's children can be proud of? I believe I do. Fear threatens to overtake my passion. That voice whispering in my ear tells me it isn't so, that I cannot overcome predestination and genes. Is the desire to have a heritage right and memorial enough? To at least start on a path I can be proud of? Can I rebuild my section of the wall and move on, better and different? Something tells me deep inside that I can, it is possible, if I can keep this tight grip on my dreams and promises. If I promise myself here and now that I do want a right to my blessings, a memorial to my hard work and a heritage that I can display for the world to see.
Then I can indeed have it.

Perhaps I am overly optimistic.
But if I didn't believe these words I would be a hypocrite.
Today I told Janae that she can do anything that she sets her mind too.
Maybe this is my anything.
My all or nothing.

My first brick in the wall that is to be my future.

Liberty is a soul's right to breathe. 

That doesn't mean inhaling diesel exhaust mixed with sewer fumes, but breathing in the sweet aroma of freedom and the opportunity to rise above genes, habits and addiction. To be the best you that you can be. In fact, even better. I don't know what my best is, or what my better than best is.
I do know this, it is out there.  

And my soul is ready to breathe. 
To breathe in Liberty, Perseverance and Promise. 

A Camel's Freedom of Speech

God can (will) bring healing from pain, good from evil and justice from injustice. It is a tragedy but I firmly believe that out of tragedy great opportunity is often available.


Said by me in a discussion on my facebook status (wants to know what Pat Robertson did that has everyone flipping out. *head shake*) a few days ago. It's a motto that I try to live by whether it be my personal lemons or a national tragedy I do believe that God can bring the good out of any situation. He's not exactly a half-empty kinda guy. Anyways, that's beside my point. Here's the facebook convo (yes, names protected)

Antagonist:

he said that Haiti brought the earthquake upon themselves by making a pact with the devil.

Protagonist (aka. me):

I'm sure it wasn't worded that way... interesting

A:

no it was more or less, youtube it. I saw the clip like 10 times this morning

P:

My mom just told me what he said, there was a lot more to it than a pact with the devil. *shrugs*

A:

IMO, it doesnt matter what he said afterward he still said essentially b/c of their pact with the devil, they are a cursed country. The man needs a filter

P:

Basically what he says is that after the French Revolution the Haitian's used the occult to get rid of the French in their country. He never directly says they are suffering the consequences of their "pact with the devil". He asks for a blessing over the Haitians that they will turn back to God. I can't state an opinion since I haven't researched Haiti and it's religions but I don't think Pat Roberston deserves to be mauled for his beliefs. It's called Freedom of Speech people. And whoever said (not one of you but the video I watched) that Pat Robertson is using the money for his own organization is so full of it, it disgusts me. I'd like proof of that slander please.

A: 

"ever since (the pact with the devil to remove the french) they have been cursed..." when hearing that, its essentially the same thing as saying they are suffering consequences of the pact. Hence why the media and the country is in an uproar over his comments.

P:

I didn't take his comment that way.

*shrugs* it's whatever floats your boat I guess. All I'm saying is that I would like to see a little more equality so to speak. I know of many politicians or people in the spotlight that would NEVER be attacked for saying something to that affect.

It all depends on your belief system. To a non-christian/atheist/agnostic/Buddhist etc; it would be considered offensive that one would be judged for their actions against a Sovereign God. For those who are part of a faith that believes in one God (or many Gods? I haven't considered this aspect of it) who submits to a "Greater Source of Wisdom" it is not far fetched to believe that there are judgments to be had when one chooses between good and evil.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

A:

I think anyone who would say something like that about a country in crisis would be attacked, regardless of belief system.

Protagonist the Second:

Ok seriously, I think his comments are uninformed, but not altogether so out there considering religion as a whole. Certain, I won't say fanatical, but exceedingly devout members of almost all religions want to divide everything into an "us" and a "them". The "us" is following the true way, the way to salvation, and the "them" is following evil. Some religions then see the "them" to be destroyed, others to "teach" them the correct way. From that stand point, his view is not altogether that shocking. There were extremist Muslims thinking the same thing about us for September 11th.

I don't think he thinks his statements are an attack on the Haitian people. I think he believes that this is a crisis, but an opportunity to help the people come to God. I do not agree with his statement, and I feel that it is naive, but I do not feel that it was meant to be an attack. 

And I have to agree with Emily that not everyone would be attacked for statements that were seemed against a country in crisis. I think at the moment, such Christianity is deemed very unpopular by the American majority and by most other countries, so his statements are MUCH more likely to be attacked. Statements of the same magnitude could be made by other groups and get away with much less negative attention. It's all about sensationalism.

This is why I think Pat's statements were altogether naive, but not necessarily malicious: Yahoo News Link

P:

Emily, that woman bugs the hell out of me every time I watch that show. She needs to lay off of the uppers. I couldn't say it better myself, so I won't even try. Sensationalism is the best word to describe this whole mess. And that was a great article too. I think the point that needs to be made on my part, is that God can (will) bring healing from pain, good from evil and justice from injustice. It is a tragedy but I firmly believe that out of tragedy great opportunity is often available.

 ~~~

 The more I wrote the more passionate I got. I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. I was just back into my debating apologetics mode, and let me tell you IT FELT GOOD.  I stood by my morals, my opinions and my passion. I'm sure I have now been written off as an extremist. But I honestly don't care. Why? Because I realized something. I am extremely passionate about the Bill of Rights, specifically the First Amendment. At that moment I knew immediately what I needed to write my Admissions Essay for Regent on. I started writing and in less than 15 minutes I wrote a kick ass essay, something that has taken me 5 months to even try to outline! Within the half-hour I had proofread it and sent it off. It may not be my best work, but it is something I'm very passionate about. And my hope for this essay was for my heart and my desire to learn to show through. So here it is folks!

I chose to apply to Regent University not only because of its high academic standards, but must importantly because of its’ motto. A motto that I have lived by for all of my life and aspire to follow in greater ways throughout the rest of my life. “Christian Leadership to Change the World.” This phrase excites my heart as I consider all that I can learn to accomplish through Regent.

As I have been interested in Politics since I was young, I have seen the great need for Christian Leadership, in my local state and federal government. I have a great desire for the world to be changed for Christ’s Kingdom, and I have come to understand not only can a straw break a camel’s back but it can also lend support and bolster the camel into new heights. Our world will not be changed by one strong individual but when one individual spreads Christ’s love to another and that person to another we have then sparked a change. This is the change I wish to see not only in my personal life but in our government. As I consider all that I have seen Regent’s graduates accomplish I cannot help but feel that Regent University can offer me all that I need to reach this personal goal of spreading the Good News into my government.

In my Graduation Speech I spoke on this same manner. Gaining inspiration from my work in the Montana State Legislature as a personal intern and the Word of God I came to realize all that we have of lasting value in this world is the legacy of our words. The constitutional right of  freedom of speech is a gift that we have all taken for granted, therefore my second goal is to defend this liberty. What path that goal will take I do not know at this time, however I strongly believe that Regent University will equip me to fight for our God inspired Constitution to remain in its rightful place.

I am thankful for the chance to attend a university such as Regent that has the same goals in mind as I do. To help mold, shape and form a citizen to change the world. I firmly believe that as Paul said in Acts 4:20 “For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.” we must continue to testify of  the blessings we have received and Regent University is just the school to give me the courage and the wisdom to do so in God’s honor.


So here's my challenge for the day. Stand by your passions. You might be surprise to find out something about yourself that you never knew.

A New Years Lesson and a Group Hug

It's no secret that I hate riding the lift with "certain" snowboarders. Those who are about to get off the lift, panic and latch onto you. Dragging you down as they fall. I finally levered my ski pole at this individual and told them I would never ride the lift with them again. I was tired of being drug down. The analogy behind this hit me this morning at work. In the last year when I levered my ski pole and fought back against those who drug me down I "ditched the bitch" and ended up with the most amazing friends I could ask for. Friends who don't drag me down and off my feet but support me as I get off the lift. 

Friends who helped me relearn not who I was but who I have become. 

When I stand back and think on the last year to this very day it feels as if last year was a lifetime ago. This eternal year has brought about so many changes for me. From one extreme to the other. I have regained my passion and zest for life and all that it has to offer. I'm on the road back to God. I rose as a twisted phoenix. I learned to embrace my faults and instead of hiding them I learned to accept them for what they make me. I found those who appreciate my many quirks. I opened my heart to great love again knowing full well that meant it was also open to great sorrow. I faced two of my greatest fears and came out on top, or at least close to it. I learned that I don't answer to anyone but my heart and God. I realized that I don't need to explain myself to anyone. I started to be honest with myself. I moved on. I came back to my passion for writing and found a way to fill my soul.

I cried. I screamed. I cut. I bled. I scarred. I healed. 

I don't have it all figured out. I'm still a mess. I'm still angry. I'm still confused. Boy am I confused. But I have figured out two very simple things.

"In life I make the lemons, give them to God and he makes the lemonade out of them." (Copyright Katie B.)

I'll make mistakes, but if I just give them to God he makes the best of the worst. He takes away the bitter taste of defeat and fills me up to the brim with the sweet taste of lessons learned and healed scars. It's so freeing to know that whatever I do if I come back to God He will open up his arms cradle me in them and wipe away my tears. (sidenote. one of my favorite verses: You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? Psalm 56:8) And then He makes me right and whole again.

My second lesson wasn't as simple to learn and I need to be reminded of it often. It's a long one.

"There are just some people in life who will bring you down no matter what you do. They are the people you have emulated and tried so desperately to please. Well here's the truth. They aren't your true friends and they never were. If they were you wouldn't have to try to please them. Just a simple smile or a joke would make your friendship worthwhile to them."

And then one day, out of the blue a true friend comes along. They praise your strengths and support you in your shortcomings. They love you for you. And when its time to get off the ski lift; they smile and you know they believe in you. You can get off the lift ski on and have confidence they will catch you when you fall. Put you back on your skis. Tell you to bend your knees, grit your teeth and ski down that hill with all you got. All the while not feeling so pressured you can't laugh at the fact there is a Kit-Kat on Geronimo. Those people are your friends. Friends for life. I have made such friends this year. Four of which I knew but in this year recongnized their greatness and impact on my life. The last I have known for almost a year but on New Years Eve I could see how much he means to me.

Katie B~

We have enjoyed a wild rocky road together. We shared the hardest time of our adult lives. We didn't care if we lived or died. Screamed or cried. We supported each other. Yelled at each other. Loved each other. Our friendship is like night skiing on powder and ice (o yea and she is used to my crazy analogies that don't make sense). When we get in the right track track down the mountain, we finish each others thoughts, salute at the same time and sometimes even lust over the same boys. We just know each other. Sometimes we hit our rough patches of ice lose control a little bit, but somehow we never give up and we understand that there's always another lift up the mountain. (until.... the great... "Closing Time" that is). And we get back in the groove. I couldn't have done this without her. She gives snowboarders a good name, we like the same drinks and most of all she taught me to never settle for less than my best.  To push myself to be better and to recognize the greatness I have in me and sometimes I don't even have to try.

I love you. Wanna marry me hot cakes?

Emily M. (E.M!)~

My favorite other Emily! Amazing jumper turned fledgling dressage queen. That right there sums her up in my mind. She is so astoundingly brave that she was willing to step away from all she knew and learned something new. Even though I call her my "practical" friend, she exemplifies bravery to me in everyday life and pushes me to do the same. She doesn't let me get away with my normal tactics of beating myself up to the point of pansying out. Her aspirations make me aspire to be more than I think I can be on my own. I'm amazed at how alike we are. Not only do we share a name but our music taste(even if I'm lame and don't always know the band), our opinions on politics (Conservative... Independent.. Same difference) and our desire to understand theory (her mind for theory is mind-boggling). My twin from anotha' motha' or something like that.I know she is always good for a rant, bitchfest, or gossip session. Even more so, she does what no man (or woman) has done before and she keeps me sane and focused.

Cj Wan-Kenobi, my own personal jedi~

 Wow! I never thought I would be friends with the infamous Cj of myspace legend. We became friends in a confusing point in both of our lives and we have continued to parallel on so many levels. I know without a shadow of a doubt she is always here for me. Whenever I need her. And I hope she knows I'm willing to be the same for her. I can never thank her enough for inspiring me to write again and believe in the power of my words. She taught me that I do have value even if I am quirky. When I think of her I think of passion, gin and inspiration. Ok, maybe only two of those.

Cj. Can I be just like you when I grow up?

Mr. Mock~

 You're crazy and I love you. You taught me that. You taught me that even though my words are imporant I don't need as many of them to get my point across. Case in point: Green Umbrella's--->Snow--->I miss you. So I'll keep it short and sweet and thank-you for supporting me and teaching me to mean what I say and say what I mean... And don't waste a lot of time on it. O and don't be cryptic. O and don't be confusing. O and and and.... ok so I'm still learning. By the way,

I'll always be your Hot Navy Fiance. Even when you marry someone else. Ok? Good.

My Man Ben, with a side of awesome~

You are the reason for this blog, you know that? I hope that isn't weird for you. But at the bar on New Years Eve I stood there and thought of how well our personalities align. Of how I'm myself and nothing else with you. (I don't have a side of awesome I guess)  Of how I'm amazed at how you just accept me. For whatever I am. I'm so happy our parents "set us up". That first night at Riley's was awkwardly amazing. It's has only gotten better since then. You taught me to "laugh with myself" to live and have fun.
(Eat, drink and be merry might be synonymous with that).

Now I'm just really excited to see what we are like together when you are sober!

 They are such a diverse group who push me to greatness, give this cowardly lion some courage, inspire me to seek passion,  how to say it short and sweet (even if it is ichthyologist) and to laugh, often and heartily.

I'm so excited to see how our friendships deepen and how we continue to learn. I love you all. Happy New Years

....

....

*whispers* GROUP HUG!!!