January 26, 2010

Soul Mates in Oblivion

It's late and I'm thinking of you. There is something about this darkness that reminds me of you. Of who I was with you. of you and me. Some days I think I was happier when we were together or even those rainy springs days before we were together. Tonight I closed my eyes. A blink. Just a moment and I was immediately traveling back in time. My journey screeched to a halt on the day I got home from San Diego. We hopped on a 4-wheeler and drove up the valley. I think I fell for you when we hit that tree. In that very moment it was all over for me. No going back. It was perfect. It was just how I imagined it to be. I wished for that moment to never end. I wished that I would always have my arms wrapped around your chest. 
That we would always laugh. That whenever we looked in each others eyes we would know and we would understand. But we turned that 4-wheeler along and our moment passed.

It was our beginning. I'm glad I do have moments like that to look back on and think at one time we were happy. Before we allowed other friends drama to create drama in us. Before our physical reality overtook our emotional reality. Before my insecurity and your naivety clashed together. Before... well life smacked us and we crumbled. I sit here looking back and for the first time I can admit it was never "us" that was good. It was never you or me that was wrong. It was you and me... separately that was great. It is "us" that was never worth missing or fighting for. And here's the next truth. I miss you. I miss the boy who rode that 4-wheeler with me on that rainy spring day. Our love was easy then. It was understood. It was "you redneck? me redneck! Lets redneck." And that's all there was to it.

I don't want to delve into our past anymore. At least the "us" area of our past. We both made mistakes and I would like to think we both learned from those mistakes.
Looking back is futile and it is ignorant.

Futile for our inability to change the past.
Ignorant for our thinking that our past dictates our future. 

If we don't learn from history we are doomed to repeat it. Even worse, if we focus on looking back to our past we leave our back open to the dangers of an  undefendable future. So here's my lesson for the night.

"Don't look back. Just keep looking forward to the next thrill. 
The next lesson. The next passion. 
The next quest. That is satisfaction."

A soul mate is one who challenges you. So yes, you were indeed my soul mate. You challenged me to learn who I really was. To march to the beat of my own drum and to thumb my nose at the orchestra standing next to me. You challenged me to move on. Alone. To be lonely. And to be ok. You were my soul mate. The soul mate for the lesson I needed to learn.
And yet not the soul mate.

Thank-you. And I miss you.

Ignorance isn't bliss. It is oblivion.

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