February 27, 2010

A Wild Call And A Clear Call That Cannot Be Denied

I guess I always thought that with enough time the wounds would heal. Or with a grand gesture all would be forgotten. That they would see my heart for what it is now, instead of what it was then. But the truth is; time doesn't heal every wound. And grand gestures are often an embarrassment.

I have had the luck or the grace to live a life with relatively few regrets. Don't misunderstand me, I do regret many decisions, but most of them I learned from and others I have the rest of my life to try to fix and fulfill. But the few regrets I do have I don't know how to fix. It has been over five years. Time hasn't healed those wounds. The grand gestures were left unnoticed. No matter how much I apologize it does not seem to make a difference. Perhaps they are still deeply hurt, but my real fear is that they simply don't care anymore. Our friendship was deep and true. But, it was young. I do admit I was young and I didn't understand life or love, or what either of those things entailed. I was in an ivory tower of my making. And I would be damned if the world tried to show me any other way. I peeked into that mirror and if I didn't like the glimpse of the world I saw, I just wouldn't look again. I won't go as far as to say I was dumb, because I don't think I was. However, I did lack wisdom and mercy. I was prideful. I somehow thought that no matter what went on or what I did, they would come back. How very wrong I was. Five years later and nothing but a meaningless facebook friendship. I wish I could somehow get through to them. That I could SCREAM my regret and my longing. That somehow I could hand them my very heart and say "See! I have changed. I have grown! I really have! Please. Please. Trust me!" But I understand their hearts for theirs are so very much like mine. Why trust someone who hurt you badly, even if it was blind and unintentional? Yet no matter how much I understand them, I still wish with every ounce of my being that it was different. 

They moved on. Happily and yet I have learned with great hurt. We promised "BFFL!" (best friends for life!" But I wasn't there. I moved on. Happy for the most part. Also with great hurt and many lessons. They weren't here. Our "BFFL!" promise was limited to life. A different life in a different town.

Perhaps I learned to not limit my relationships for you never know what form that limit will take. 

I have often wondered where I get my deep feelings, my lust for life and all the emotions that comes with it. After reading Christy by Catherine Marshall I think I understand. Feeling deep is in my very blood, in my heritage. My grandmother was from Arkansas and my ancestors before that from England and Scotland. The stories that have been passed down are so like the sentiments in this book. Reading the following quote seemed to open me up, lay me bare and then sew me back together. Each stitch tightening my skin and my understanding of self. 

"Now I understood why these mountain people were shy with strangers. 
They had never learned the citified arts of hiding feelings or smiling when the heart was cold. Friendship was dangerous to them because they had built up no protection against it."

I never learned any other way. I love deeply and I loathe deeply. I heal deeply and I hurt deeply. I feel deeply and most of the time I wouldn't have it any other way, for it is my heritage that I so recently longed for. Our friendship was dangerous to me. I came to find out I had no protection from the hurt, for I had no experience with hurt in our friendship. Up until that time it had been sunshine and rainbows. But at some point it has to rain and sometimes the sun doesn't shine at the correct angle to create a rainbow. I couldn't deal with our friendship taking on this new aspect. And only recently have I been able to lay blame where it was supposed to be. At my feet. The blood is on my hands. 

I'm sorry seems inadequate. As does time or any gesture. Life isn't a novel and maybe our chapter doesn't have a happy ending. But it does have a lesson, and I suppose to ask for anymore would be selfish.

1 comment:

  1. i must go down to the seas again...

    there have been very few years of my life when i have not made it down to the ocean to see the waves and soak in its energy, its strength. for all those years, though few and far between, they were always the hardest for me.

    do not regret. learn, live, and grow. and always return to the seas when they call you...