May 30, 2010

Wedding Confrontations

Weddings, weddings weddings. You may as well say "misery! misery! misery!" Katie and I took off to Wyoming this weekend to go to a close friends weddings. We both needed the break from life as usual, specifically Lewistown. An escape from all that life has been in the last seven weeks. I wanted to "run away. run away. just get on a fucking train and leave today." I needed to leave family, Jeremy and my numerous other woes at the Montana state line and just...heal. And I do think this weekend set the healing into motion. I was confronted with all that I can't figure out in my head and my soul. 

As I watched the groom lead his parents up the aisle I was completely ambushed with the thought that if this were Jeremy's and  my wedding everything would be the polar opposite. He would not be escorting his parents up the aisle. Jason would not be his best man. In fact I suspect the entire right side of the aisle would be empty. They say you don't just marry a man, you marry his friends, family and heritage. I was shocked at the injustice of him losing all of that because of a simple thing called love. It's...cruel...

As the ceremony progressed I noticed all the parts of a wedding I have always taken for granted. The opening prayer reminded me that God would have no place in our ceremony. A covenant established by God Himself, and He would not be welcome. The location made me thankful I want an outdoor wedding so we would not have to quibble over what church would allow a "heathen" wedding ceremony. As the ceremony went on it became more and more of a blur of all the things that would go so very very wrong. I grieved that the most important day of my life as the pastor mentioned, aside from the day I accepted Christ, would have to be plotted out minute by minute to equalize all the religious aspects. And then the words that came next shattered my mind and heart, for the fight I still desired to maintain.

"till death are we separated" 

A twist on the more traditional "till death do we part", it still brought home the point that no matter who is "right" in this, we would still be eternally separated by death. 
Love on this earth is beautiful, powerful, sustaining to life and most importantly it was created to be eternal. To outlast our strivings and our pain. The only thing we carry with us from this earth to our eternal existence. 
I know we have no tears in heaven. I have to wonder if that soul tie we have held onto all our lives would have us standing at Abraham's bosom trying to reach across the dimensions to feel just one last electrifying touch for the rest of eternity? We are eternal beings and our love that we share so joyously on earth is eternal also. Eternal but never enough. 

The power of love alone can not bridge the gap between two souls with a different outlook, of eternal significance. Just as it could not bridge the gap between our souls on this earth that rainy spring day. In this case love does not conquer all. 

Love conquers our fears and our tribulations. We can live on and we will live on. And one day, love on. But to conquer doesn't mean to change in the way we expect. Life's battles are a mystery, and this Sherlock in training is going to solve it. 

One wedding at a time. 

May 27, 2010

I'm Gonna Go Eat Worms

I honestly haven't the faintest idea where my heart is right now.Like a recent tattoo I have seen it's like I look down to where to my heart should be and it's just a gaping hole. I wish I had put a tracking device into my heart so I would remember where I lost it, or find out the culprit of who stole it. I got called into work again today and it's almost like it's on purpose. Like I'm being forced to face my sorrows and where they all began. 

I don't understand how it is possible that he the one who was so incredibly in love up until a few short weeks ago is already dating someone new. (Or old? leftovers... that's a blog for another day I think) I was the one who wasn't in love and was so okay, and now I'm the mess. Typical? I suppose. What happened? What am I missing? I feel now like these past seven weeks have been an absolute lie. From the moment, and I'm sure even before he told me he was in love with me he was lying. I even lied. Heck we all lied. Maybe if we all go eat worms we can fix it just like we did when we were kids. Some are saying I dodged the bullet of Jer-Bear, or maybe it missed me but either way for him to tell me loved me and now he's dating someone else... that just isn't right. That isn't love. Lust? Confusion? Excuses? Whatever the basis of his declaration it was a lie. (Haven't I yet learned that declarations from men never end well?) I've been too blind to see it for what it is, or isn't. A fling? A happenstance? A rock thrown though this glass window of a heart? All I ever wanted was honesty. Remember? "Just another sip of honest Jack." That is the only thing I asked of him and somehow it was to much to ask? Where is the justice in that? 

I found a quote on my old facebook today and it reminds me that as I said in another blog 
"every heart leaves a different mark"
It's true and yet it isn't. Even though every relationship is different they are all really the same. 
They all come down to love and hate. It is which side comes out on top that classifies the relationship as a success or a failure. 

I had said "I don't know what hurts worse being in love with someone and knowing that they don't love you back or learning to hate that same person and knowing without a doubt that they never loved you at all."

Katie in her infinite wisdom said 
 "It's when you love them and hate them at the same time and knowing they don't give a damn either way."

I don't know which category I would put Jeremy in. All? None? I know there must be application of those three categories to him, I'm just having trouble fitting all these pieces together. He sounded so lost on the phone and I was so livid. My hands were shaking; I couldn't breathe. I know that if he had been standing in front of me I would've beat the living tar out of him. And that scares me, to know I'm capable of that... scares me. I guess I realized the mindgames he was playing when he told me that he would be calling me back and if I didn't want to talk to him I didn't have to answer it. Of course I want to! Deep inside is this little girl that still believe things work out in the end. She will probably always hold out hope that we can talk and gain a mutual understanding and be blissful together. So when he says that it's essentially my choice, that girls heart soars that means I can change things! I can do something about this! If I just answer that phone call, the pieces will all fall into place and off to Ever After we could be. But if I don't answer the call we may never work things out. And then... it's on me? Right? Katie affectively 2x4ed me into perspective (at least a healthier one) when she said "I wouldn't answer until he called back twice. three times. five times. hell TWENTY times." And I said " but.. he won't call back again after the first" Her raised eyebrows told me all I needed to know of her response. I know it would've been an "exactly!" And God.. for the first time it was clear to me, if he gives up after the first phone call he will never fight for this. Just like he never fought for us in the first place. Just like he happened to fall enough out of love to move on. It doesn't make him a gentleman as I originally thought. No, it only makes him weak and unwilling. I think I can go as far as to say uncaring. I'm tired. I don't have the fight left in me. Not only is the ball in his court now, but he can have the entire damn gym to himself.

I'm done. I'm not here. I'm not available. 
I don't have the time nor the heart for pushovers.
 If you can't stand up to me you can't stand up for me
Rebound? Probable. But I can read the writing on this wall now.