It's no secret that I hate riding the lift with "certain" snowboarders. Those who are about to get off the lift, panic and latch onto you. Dragging you down as they fall. I finally levered my ski pole at this individual and told them I would never ride the lift with them again. I was tired of being drug down. The analogy behind this hit me this morning at work. In the last year when I levered my ski pole and fought back against those who drug me down I "ditched the bitch" and ended up with the most amazing friends I could ask for. Friends who don't drag me down and off my feet but support me as I get off the lift.
Friends who helped me relearn not who I was but who I have become.
When I stand back and think on the last year to this very day it feels as if last year was a lifetime ago. This eternal year has brought about so many changes for me. From one extreme to the other. I have regained my passion and zest for life and all that it has to offer. I'm on the road back to God. I rose as a twisted phoenix. I learned to embrace my faults and instead of hiding them I learned to accept them for what they make me. I found those who appreciate my many quirks. I opened my heart to great love again knowing full well that meant it was also open to great sorrow. I faced two of my greatest fears and came out on top, or at least close to it. I learned that I don't answer to anyone but my heart and God. I realized that I don't need to explain myself to anyone. I started to be honest with myself. I moved on. I came back to my passion for writing and found a way to fill my soul.
I cried. I screamed. I cut. I bled. I scarred. I healed.
I don't have it all figured out. I'm still a mess. I'm still angry. I'm still confused. Boy am I confused. But I have figured out two very simple things.
"In life I make the lemons, give them to God and he makes the lemonade out of them." (Copyright Katie B.)
I'll make mistakes, but if I just give them to God he makes the best of the worst. He takes away the bitter taste of defeat and fills me up to the brim with the sweet taste of lessons learned and healed scars. It's so freeing to know that whatever I do if I come back to God He will open up his arms cradle me in them and wipe away my tears. (sidenote. one of my favorite verses: You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book? Psalm 56:8) And then He makes me right and whole again.
My second lesson wasn't as simple to learn and I need to be reminded of it often. It's a long one.
"There are just some people in life who will bring you down no matter what you do. They are the people you have emulated and tried so desperately to please. Well here's the truth. They aren't your true friends and they never were. If they were you wouldn't have to try to please them. Just a simple smile or a joke would make your friendship worthwhile to them."
And then one day, out of the blue a true friend comes along. They praise your strengths and support you in your shortcomings. They love you for you. And when its time to get off the ski lift; they smile and you know they believe in you. You can get off the lift ski on and have confidence they will catch you when you fall. Put you back on your skis. Tell you to bend your knees, grit your teeth and ski down that hill with all you got. All the while not feeling so pressured you can't laugh at the fact there is a Kit-Kat on Geronimo. Those people are your friends. Friends for life. I have made such friends this year. Four of which I knew but in this year recongnized their greatness and impact on my life. The last I have known for almost a year but on New Years Eve I could see how much he means to me.
We have enjoyed a wild rocky road together. We shared the hardest time of our adult lives. We didn't care if we lived or died. Screamed or cried. We supported each other. Yelled at each other. Loved each other. Our friendship is like night skiing on powder and ice (o yea and she is used to my crazy analogies that don't make sense). When we get in the right track track down the mountain, we finish each others thoughts, salute at the same time and sometimes even lust over the same boys. We just know each other. Sometimes we hit our rough patches of ice lose control a little bit, but somehow we never give up and we understand that there's always another lift up the mountain. (until.... the great... "Closing Time" that is). And we get back in the groove. I couldn't have done this without her. She gives snowboarders a good name, we like the same drinks and most of all she taught me to never settle for less than my best. To push myself to be better and to recognize the greatness I have in me and sometimes I don't even have to try.
I love you. Wanna marry me hot cakes?
Emily M. (E.M!)~
My favorite other Emily! Amazing jumper turned fledgling dressage queen. That right there sums her up in my mind. She is so astoundingly brave that she was willing to step away from all she knew and learned something new. Even though I call her my "practical" friend, she exemplifies bravery to me in everyday life and pushes me to do the same. She doesn't let me get away with my normal tactics of beating myself up to the point of pansying out. Her aspirations make me aspire to be more than I think I can be on my own. I'm amazed at how alike we are. Not only do we share a name but our music taste(even if I'm lame and don't always know the band), our opinions on politics (Conservative... Independent.. Same difference) and our desire to understand theory (her mind for theory is mind-boggling). My twin from anotha' motha' or something like that.I know she is always good for a rant, bitchfest, or gossip session. Even more so, she does what no man (or woman) has done before and she keeps me sane and focused.
Cj Wan-Kenobi, my own personal jedi~
Wow! I never thought I would be friends with the infamous Cj of myspace legend. We became friends in a confusing point in both of our lives and we have continued to parallel on so many levels. I know without a shadow of a doubt she is always here for me. Whenever I need her. And I hope she knows I'm willing to be the same for her. I can never thank her enough for inspiring me to write again and believe in the power of my words. She taught me that I do have value even if I am quirky. When I think of her I think of passion, gin and inspiration. Ok, maybe only two of those.
Cj. Can I be just like you when I grow up?
You're crazy and I love you. You taught me that. You taught me that even though my words are imporant I don't need as many of them to get my point across. Case in point: Green Umbrella's--->Snow--->I miss you. So I'll keep it short and sweet and thank-you for supporting me and teaching me to mean what I say and say what I mean... And don't waste a lot of time on it. O and don't be cryptic. O and don't be confusing. O and and and.... ok so I'm still learning. By the way,
I'll always be your Hot Navy Fiance. Even when you marry someone else. Ok? Good.
My Man Ben, with a side of awesome~
You are the reason for this blog, you know that? I hope that isn't weird for you. But at the bar on New Years Eve I stood there and thought of how well our personalities align. Of how I'm myself and nothing else with you. (I don't have a side of awesome I guess) Of how I'm amazed at how you just accept me. For whatever I am. I'm so happy our parents "set us up". That first night at Riley's was awkwardly amazing. It's has only gotten better since then. You taught me to "laugh with myself" to live and have fun.
(Eat, drink and be merry might be synonymous with that).
(Eat, drink and be merry might be synonymous with that).
Now I'm just really excited to see what we are like together when you are sober!
They are such a diverse group who push me to greatness, give this cowardly lion some courage, inspire me to seek passion, how to say it short and sweet (even if it is ichthyologist) and to laugh, often and heartily.
I'm so excited to see how our friendships deepen and how we continue to learn. I love you all. Happy New Years
*whispers* GROUP HUG!!!