December 29, 2009

Frosted Tears and Bungee Cords

That snowflake turned into a raindrop, changed into a tear and then once again changed its'   form to be frost upon my cheeks.

Those teardrops ran down my cheeks in a way they haven't in this eternal year. A silver lining to this fog, I suppose. Just as is my custom I thought that the key to lifting the fog was my vulnerability.

I know you aren't cruel and I could tell you were trying to not be. I knew you were trying to break it to me gently. But here is the lesson for this night. You can't break something without pain. You can't hurt someone just a little.

Pain is necessary for life, but it wasn't necessary for us.

The fog has lifted, but the Winter Wonderland I wished for wasn't there. Instead of the fog lifting and bringing us together in understanding it separated us.  Now you are happily jet-setting around, and I am in this room where silence echoes and insomnia reins. The fog warped my dreams into our own realities. That sparkling winter wonderland melted into these tears. Tears I can't keep. Tears that turn to frost upon my cheeks and in my heart faster than I can save them.

I jumped off this cliff and aimed for your arms. I'm hoping that I tied that bungee cord tightly around my legs. So that when the tears stop and I shut that door you unknowingly opened to my heart; I can bounce up on onto the firm footing of the mountainside. I rocketed closer and closer to the bottom of that cliffs end. I closed my eyes to my over thinking and insecurity. I wanted the leap that I took. Whatever the consequence. I wanted to fall into your arms.  Whether I landed in your heart and arms or careened to my death I wanted it to be fate. I took a peek before I reached the bottom. My curiosity got the best of me. Were you ecstatic? Surprised? Ready? Arms out and waiting? The moment I thought our eyes would meet I looked. I saw you standing a mere ten feet away, arms crossed and a confused look on your face; as you watched me fall to certain death. An hour later you made your way toward me, patted me on the shoulder and let me know that you aren't what I was looking for. How kind of you let me know.

I'll let you know something, but I'm afraid I won't be as diplomatic. That was the wrong damn move dude, if even the smallest part of you wanted to be mine and I yours. You could have been my "be here now".  

Maybe not my always. Maybe not my forever. But my "be here now"

Looking back, I don't know what really happened last night. And a part of me says I don't really want to know. Whatever the cause of the whiplash of emotions you displayed last night, I was hurt. Deeply so. I won't post the entire blog I wrote last night in the midst of tears and rejection. That wouldn't be fair to you.
I could beg and plead. I could open up my heart to you again. I could explain the hurt. I could explain all the emotions. Perhaps that would be the adventurous thing to do. But my heart is tired of adventures. It can't do the Indiana Jones Impression again tonight. Perhaps that's all I am for you, an impression of an adventuresome spirit. But that is another thought for another night. For now I need to curl up in a blanket and find some willpower in this soul of mine and make this frost a hard freeze.

I wish it was different but this frost is here to stay. 

Upon my cheeks and my heart. A physical manifestion of the numbness of this briar patch of a heart

No comments:

Post a Comment