December 25, 2009

Burning Fog and Electric Hearts

So did you choke or did I? Or was it a mixture of both? Unsurprisingly this is a mystery to me and to you. I'm feeling lost and in a state of limbo. Regretting the words I have said and those I haven't said. When I'm with you my world gets lost in your eyes. It's only you and me. Stuck inside this space in time. Are we destined to move past this limbo of dimensions? Into our very own? Or is our fate completely separate? I thought you were the one I had been wishing for upon snowflakes. And then this morning as I drove to meet you the skies which had promised snow only brought fog. The sneer upon my face came when I recognized the irony before me in the sky. A single snowflake would've revealed the world to me. But instead the fog set in  and more mystery arose.

When I try to look into your eyes and see if fate has an answer for us, the fog overtakes my vision and all I can see is your neverending kindness. I once again wander into the fog and get lost in it and perhaps in you. I thought today would surely be the day that the fog between us would lift. For a moment, the sun would come out and light upon the snow. Creating a sparkling winter wonderland of our very own. Each snowflake a promise and each crystal a diamond of emotion. The understanding would fall as quietly as a surprise snowfall. Instead as the minutes ticked by the fog only became more and more dense. It got to the point where I couldn't look you in the eyes for fear of losing my way.

 I drove home with the ache that precedes my tears. My heart ached with the weight of all our possibilites and the realization of the lack of probability. My mind is full of the O so complexly simple question "How do you feel?" Right on its' heels follows the more bothersome wonderings. Am I mistaking your kindness for anything more? What about all the shared glances and secret smiles? Perhaps they were meant for someone else, or a fluke. But what about the electricity between us? I can't explain that away. When you walked into that room a few short days ago, my heart beat faster, slower and stopped beating all at the same time. I was sure everyone else could sense the electricity that shot between our hearts and into our eyes. It was tangible. And then as you hugged everyone that jumped up in excitement I sat and watched you with new vision.For some unknown reason, in those first few moments I felt that you were there only for me. That you were slowly making your way past the formalities of everyone else and I was your reason.  It slowly dawned on me, you were not there for me. Or with me. And so the fog set in.

Since then the subject of "us" hasn't been off my mind. The night of graduation comes to mind immedietely. I had jumped off the cliff of stress. I had sworn off guys as I blockaded my heart. I said no to you and chose my horses. And all those factors went out the window when I saw you there. Front Row. With my family. It was so right and so perfect. You had driven all night to get there just for me. And I said no. I'm so sorry for being blind to you and all that you have become to me. Because as we stood talking to people afterwards being next to you was the most natural thing in the world. How I longed for your touch. I have healed since then, I've opened my heart again to faith. Symbolically, I've opened my heart to you. The universal elusive you. The Hallelujah I've wished for, written for, and prayed for. And so I know, every moment I have become closer to being ready to be your one and only. Do you know how strong your healing gift is? It fairly emanated from you as I stood up on that stage and testified of my faith. As I took a stand and dared everyone else to take a stand, for what they believed, for their dreams, and for their passion. Those words have special significence now as we struggle to work past our image of ourselves into the vision of us.

All of this brings us to now. Another choke? I wish I felt free to encourage you and whisper my feelings in your ear. I wish I could have given you the Heimlich. I wish I had said everything that I wanted to. But I didn't.

I'm wishing on snowflakes again. Wishing for the fog to burn off and reveal the truth. For our electricity to bring us closer. Even if it hurts, I want you next to me. Now and maybe forever. We'll never know unless we allow our hearts to touch. For only then may we know what this electricity means, and all that it could possibly mean.

Today I could feel the electricity even as I knew we were both trying to smother it, to not let the other one know. It was distant and it was somber, but it was there. I feel as if, if we reached out and touched, reaching across all these dimensions, it would be all over from there. We would no longer be able to deny it. Hugging you feels much like breathing... and so somehow I know that holding your hand or being wrapped up in you would be akin to the adrenaline rush we both get from hiking, running or being out on a difficult ski run. I already live for that adrenaline rush and long for the day I get it from your touch. So reach out. Touch me. Let us connect and never look back. It could be the beginning of our end, and the end of our beginning. I'm ready now for you. Are you ready for me? Is it yet time for me to run, to jump into your arms?

I don't know all the signals and I don't understand all the signs, you will have to show me how. I'm willing to learn all that you are and all that we could be.... And so I'm waiting for another snowfall and another answer.

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