December 10, 2009

Silence Echoes and Insomnia Reigns

And at the end of the day, I'm still alone in the seemingly vast expanse of my bed. It doesn't seem to matter what manner I leave people in. If I make them laugh. If I make them think. If I comfort their woes with my words. If I'm simply a listening ear. If I drive them up a wall or make them cry. It just... doesn't matter. The end result is the same. I'm alone in my bed. Sometimes I can find comfort in that fact; knowing what I do doesn't matter. Tonight though, the silence echoes and my insomnia reigns. I think back on all the roles I have played today. At the time each seemed real and genuine. I didn't have to fake a single emotion that I portrayed. So why do I now feel hollow? Why is there nothing to me besides a role? When I sign off and turn out the lights; slowly making my way upstairs to my room its as if another part of me melts away. When I take that final step all that is left is this shell and the silence. I hurriedly turn on my phone and chat about how great her night was. I embrace this role. My day isn't over! No matter what the darkness of the night says. We say our goodbyes and I'm left with only silence again.

It's this depression that comes upon me in silent waves. It's this depression that I try to fight against. It's the depression that makes me forget to care if I live or if I die. It's this depression that has me questioning if this is all real or my minds twisted version of Wonderland. And it's this depression that makes me wonder if I will have find more meaning in life than being their strong tower. Because it's this depression that has this strong tower crumbling from the inside out. Most of all... it is this depression that hears the screams in the silence. I'm afraid to give into it's pleas again. To traverse that dark road of memories and sins. So I'll rise again tomorrow. I'll be your tower. Will you notice that it's smaller than the day before? Or will you brush it off as a mind game? I'll take your weight happily. For if I didn't play this role for you I would have to listen to the silence scream in the daylight also. No I'm happy to be your tower. Your sounding board. Your whipping boy. Lean on me. Talk to me. Beat me. I'll be whatever you need. And even more. If only you ask. I'll never ask anything of you. Why? Because I don't know how. I've never played that role. It's a win-win without consequence. Or so I thought. Is there more? I feel free to pen those words but not to think on them.

At night I waken from a fitful sleep and reach out for you. For who? I know not. Perhaps simply for someone. Someone who can change my fitful sleep to one of peace. Someone to quiet the silence with their own whispers of hope. Someone who makes me less alone. Is this only wishful thinking? Or a vision of my fate? Could it only be empty words to fill this once empty page... to fill my empty heart? Whoever you are. Hold me. Smooth my hair away from my face. Cradle my tears in your heart. Drown out the silence because I can't. My fan on high and music on only makes the silence next to me in this empty bed scream at a deafening pitch.

I would like to give up on this battle. To simply wave my white flag and walk away. I'm tired...tired of fighting the silence. I don't know how much longer I can act this part without you. I think I need you. now. If only to lean on you for a moment. Or an eternity of moments. Is that okay with you? I need you now.. whoever.. or wherever... you may be. I don't want to be alone anymore. Rescue me before the depression knocks upon the door of my heart again. I haven't the strength to say no again.

Rescue me now...
for I need you now...

1 comment:

  1. i love this - down to your core. but know you are far more than a role, you are YOU with a soul that means more than just words here, answers there, towers or conversations or anything else people may ask you to be. follow your soul, and you will always be able to find your way home. sometimes, yes, home is lonely, but if you keep your chin up, your wits about you, and hope & faith in your soul i promise you that you will find exactly what you need - if not also what you wished for - at the end of your broken road.