I'm Gonna Go Eat Worms

I honestly haven't the faintest idea where my heart is right now.Like a recent tattoo I have seen it's like I look down to where to my heart should be and it's just a gaping hole. I wish I had put a tracking device into my heart so I would remember where I lost it, or find out the culprit of who stole it. I got called into work again today and it's almost like it's on purpose. Like I'm being forced to face my sorrows and where they all began. 

I don't understand how it is possible that he the one who was so incredibly in love up until a few short weeks ago is already dating someone new. (Or old? leftovers... that's a blog for another day I think) I was the one who wasn't in love and was so okay, and now I'm the mess. Typical? I suppose. What happened? What am I missing? I feel now like these past seven weeks have been an absolute lie. From the moment, and I'm sure even before he told me he was in love with me he was lying. I even lied. Heck we all lied. Maybe if we all go eat worms we can fix it just like we did when we were kids. Some are saying I dodged the bullet of Jer-Bear, or maybe it missed me but either way for him to tell me loved me and now he's dating someone else... that just isn't right. That isn't love. Lust? Confusion? Excuses? Whatever the basis of his declaration it was a lie. (Haven't I yet learned that declarations from men never end well?) I've been too blind to see it for what it is, or isn't. A fling? A happenstance? A rock thrown though this glass window of a heart? All I ever wanted was honesty. Remember? "Just another sip of honest Jack." That is the only thing I asked of him and somehow it was to much to ask? Where is the justice in that? 

I found a quote on my old facebook today and it reminds me that as I said in another blog 

"every heart leaves a different mark"

It's true and yet it isn't. Even though every relationship is different they are all really the same. 

They all come down to love and hate. It is which side comes out on top that classifies the relationship as a success or a failure. 

I had said "I don't know what hurts worse being in love with someone and knowing that they don't love you back or learning to hate that same person and knowing without a doubt that they never loved you at all."

Katie in her infinite wisdom said 

 "It's when you love them and hate them at the same time and knowing they don't give a damn either way."

I don't know which category I would put Jeremy in. All? None? I know there must be application of those three categories to him, I'm just having trouble fitting all these pieces together. He sounded so lost on the phone and I was so livid. My hands were shaking; I couldn't breathe. I know that if he had been standing in front of me I would've beat the living tar out of him. And that scares me, to know I'm capable of that... scares me. I guess I realized the mindgames he was playing when he told me that he would be calling me back and if I didn't want to talk to him I didn't have to answer it. Of course I want to! Deep inside is this little girl that still believe things work out in the end. She will probably always hold out hope that we can talk and gain a mutual understanding and be blissful together. So when he says that it's essentially my choice, that girls heart soars that means I can change things! I can do something about this! If I just answer that phone call, the pieces will all fall into place and off to Ever After we could be. But if I don't answer the call we may never work things out. And then... it's on me? Right? Katie affectively 2x4ed me into perspective (at least a healthier one) when she said "I wouldn't answer until he called back twice. three times. five times. hell TWENTY times." And I said " but.. he won't call back again after the first" Her raised eyebrows told me all I needed to know of her response. I know it would've been an "exactly!" And God.. for the first time it was clear to me, if he gives up after the first phone call he will never fight for this. Just like he never fought for us in the first place. Just like he happened to fall enough out of love to move on. It doesn't make him a gentleman as I originally thought. No, it only makes him weak and unwilling. I think I can go as far as to say uncaring. I'm tired. I don't have the fight left in me. Not only is the ball in his court now, but he can have the entire damn gym to himself.

I'm done. I'm not here. I'm not available. 

I don't have the time nor the heart for pushovers.

 If you can't stand up to me you can't stand up for me

Rebound? Probable. But I can read the writing on this wall now.

Hope Deferred and Hope Re-Awoken

It amazes me how God sends along some hope right when you're about to give it all up again. I say again because this wouldn't be the first time I have just wanted to forget everything and fall into an easier life. Sometimes I have given in. Sometimes I have been distracted at that last critical moment. And once or twice I have outright said no. Out of guilt, fear or a combination of both. Last night I had a stunning revelation as my old friend and I talked. What would I do if I was given the chance to be his again. (mistake me not. He wouldn't be mine) I don't know. I really don't know what my reaction would be. I told Katie that I almost want to be locked into a room with him and say "Give me your best shot big boy." And see what I would do. See if I'm repulsed or attracted. If I take the first shot or the first step into his embrace. Last night in the early morning light I was willing to drop it all, just so I would finally know. I was willing to go back to revert to that girl again, just so I would gain an understanding of what really went on.

I was willing to turn my back on God,

for one more moment of pleasure, 

seeped in a thousand moments of pain.

And then tonight, before I had the chance to make good on my hasty decision I started to talk with him. About God. Traveling. Dogs. Math. Music. And I smiled big. I fairly well danced out of the office to my pickup. And then he called. I picked up without a moments hesitation, no calling bluffs needed. No big push. I just answered. I laughed. I joked. I laughed. I was myself. And we talked about God. Work. Mcdonalds. Triple X Church. Now we're talking again. Deeply. No awkward silences. Notice the recurring theme? God. Yep. That's right. Crazy Backslidden Emily talking about God. But guess what? He admits he's crazy too. 

I know. I sound crazy. twitterpated. infatuated. silly. I'm just... joyful. Really and truly joyful.Thankful already so thankful that God saw fit to put you into my life through Regent. For hope? Trust? Joy? Math help? All of the above? I don't know yet, but I'm excited for this overwhelming joy. I hope it has come to stay. It's has been to long since I was joyful. 

Last night I read a letter I wrote to Jared a few years ago. I talked about Proverbs 13:12. How hope is confident expectation. And to "defer" is to give up. So if you defer hope, you have no one to blame for your sick heart but yourself. Tonight the second part of the verse takes on special meaning. I understand now what it means to desire hope and how it brings life to your heart. Like rain to a withered tree. 

Hope deferred makes the heart sick, But when the desire comes, it is a tree of life.  

 

It's a truly beautiful thought. A thought to hold onto for eternity.

What a difference hope makes in the heart of man. Or a woman. 

A Wild Call And A Clear Call That Cannot Be Denied

I guess I always thought that with enough time the wounds would heal. Or with a grand gesture all would be forgotten. That they would see my heart for what it is now, instead of what it was then. But the truth is; time doesn't heal every wound. And grand gestures are often an embarrassment.

I have had the luck or the grace to live a life with relatively few regrets. Don't misunderstand me, I do regret many decisions, but most of them I learned from and others I have the rest of my life to try to fix and fulfill. But the few regrets I do have I don't know how to fix. It has been over five years. Time hasn't healed those wounds. The grand gestures were left unnoticed. No matter how much I apologize it does not seem to make a difference. Perhaps they are still deeply hurt, but my real fear is that they simply don't care anymore. Our friendship was deep and true. But, it was young. I do admit I was young and I didn't understand life or love, or what either of those things entailed. I was in an ivory tower of my making. And I would be damned if the world tried to show me any other way. I peeked into that mirror and if I didn't like the glimpse of the world I saw, I just wouldn't look again. I won't go as far as to say I was dumb, because I don't think I was. However, I did lack wisdom and mercy. I was prideful. I somehow thought that no matter what went on or what I did, they would come back. How very wrong I was. Five years later and nothing but a meaningless facebook friendship. I wish I could somehow get through to them. That I could SCREAM my regret and my longing. That somehow I could hand them my very heart and say "See! I have changed. I have grown! I really have! Please. Please. Trust me!" But I understand their hearts for theirs are so very much like mine. Why trust someone who hurt you badly, even if it was blind and unintentional? Yet no matter how much I understand them, I still wish with every ounce of my being that it was different. 

They moved on. Happily and yet I have learned with great hurt. We promised "BFFL!" (best friends for life!" But I wasn't there. I moved on. Happy for the most part. Also with great hurt and many lessons. They weren't here. Our "BFFL!" promise was limited to life. A different life in a different town.

Perhaps I learned to not limit my relationships for you never know what form that limit will take. 

I have often wondered where I get my deep feelings, my lust for life and all the emotions that comes with it. After reading Christy by Catherine Marshall I think I understand. Feeling deep is in my very blood, in my heritage. My grandmother was from Arkansas and my ancestors before that from England and Scotland. The stories that have been passed down are so like the sentiments in this book. Reading the following quote seemed to open me up, lay me bare and then sew me back together. Each stitch tightening my skin and my understanding of self. 

"Now I understood why these mountain people were shy with strangers. 
They had never learned the citified arts of hiding feelings or smiling when the heart was cold. Friendship was dangerous to them because they had built up no protection against it."

I never learned any other way. I love deeply and I loathe deeply. I heal deeply and I hurt deeply. I feel deeply and most of the time I wouldn't have it any other way, for it is my heritage that I so recently longed for. Our friendship was dangerous to me. I came to find out I had no protection from the hurt, for I had no experience with hurt in our friendship. Up until that time it had been sunshine and rainbows. But at some point it has to rain and sometimes the sun doesn't shine at the correct angle to create a rainbow. I couldn't deal with our friendship taking on this new aspect. And only recently have I been able to lay blame where it was supposed to be. At my feet. The blood is on my hands. 

I'm sorry seems inadequate. As does time or any gesture. Life isn't a novel and maybe our chapter doesn't have a happy ending. But it does have a lesson, and I suppose to ask for anymore would be selfish.

Soul Mates in Oblivion

It's late and I'm thinking of you. There is something about this darkness that reminds me of you. Of who I was with you. of you and me. Some days I think I was happier when we were together or even those rainy springs days before we were together. Tonight I closed my eyes. A blink. Just a moment and I was immediately traveling back in time. My journey screeched to a halt on the day I got home from San Diego. We hopped on a 4-wheeler and drove up the valley. I think I fell for you when we hit that tree. In that very moment it was all over for me. No going back. It was perfect. It was just how I imagined it to be. I wished for that moment to never end. I wished that I would always have my arms wrapped around your chest. 
That we would always laugh. That whenever we looked in each others eyes we would know and we would understand. But we turned that 4-wheeler along and our moment passed.

It was our beginning. I'm glad I do have moments like that to look back on and think at one time we were happy. Before we allowed other friends drama to create drama in us. Before our physical reality overtook our emotional reality. Before my insecurity and your naivety clashed together. Before... well life smacked us and we crumbled. I sit here looking back and for the first time I can admit it was never "us" that was good. It was never you or me that was wrong. It was you and me... separately that was great. It is "us" that was never worth missing or fighting for. And here's the next truth. I miss you. I miss the boy who rode that 4-wheeler with me on that rainy spring day. Our love was easy then. It was understood. It was "you redneck? me redneck! Lets redneck." And that's all there was to it.

I don't want to delve into our past anymore. At least the "us" area of our past. We both made mistakes and I would like to think we both learned from those mistakes.
Looking back is futile and it is ignorant.

Futile for our inability to change the past.

Ignorant for our thinking that our past dictates our future. 

If we don't learn from history we are doomed to repeat it. Even worse, if we focus on looking back to our past we leave our back open to the dangers of an  undefendable future. So here's my lesson for the night.

"Don't look back. Just keep looking forward to the next thrill. 
The next lesson. The next passion. 
The next quest. That is satisfaction."

A soul mate is one who challenges you. So yes, you were indeed my soul mate. You challenged me to learn who I really was. To march to the beat of my own drum and to thumb my nose at the orchestra standing next to me. You challenged me to move on. Alone. To be lonely. And to be ok. You were my soul mate. The soul mate for the lesson I needed to learn.

And yet not the soul mate.

Thank-you. And I miss you.

Ignorance isn't bliss. It is oblivion.

An Unsent Letter

Last year I made a very obvious statement about “washing away the affairs of the past”.  At the time I considered it to be my final goodbye to Jared and all he was to me. As the car wash scrubbed on the mud on my truck I could also feel it scrubbing on my heart. As I drove away my heart fairly squeaked with the closure of a clean truck and a clean outlook.

They say that admittance is the first step to recovery. I often wonder where I am in that journey towards recovery. For the most part I have moved past the anger, hurt and regret. Some days I don’t even think about it. The days I do remember are still hard. Some days I seethe with anger. Some days I wallow in the hurt. And then the days come that the regret and embarrassment suffocate me. Thankfully with the more time that passes, the more days there are between. It has now been over a year since our official breakup. A year and a half since the beginning of our end (or any other trite phrase to describe the beginning of pain)

And then there are other days where I can sit back and relive the past without reliving the emotions of the past. Today has been such a day. I had embarked on a mission to clean out my closet, and I was already two trash bags into the mess when I found a letter from Katie dated Oct-13-2008. Judging by the letter we had had a disagreement/misunderstanding (as only Katie and I can) over nothing really. (mushrooms dammit mushrooms!) I stuck my head down the rabbit hole and remember the day I received the letter distinctly. It was in the middle of my “dark days of depression”, not that that is any excuse at all. I was aggravated all over again. After all I didn’t want to hear anything but what I thought I wanted to hear. What that was at the time I don’t even know. Looking back all I see is how self-centered I was. So self-centered I caused her hurt. Not intentionally, no not at all I just couldn’t work 

past my broken heart enough to see anyone else's brokenness.

Reading over the letter and my subsequent reply, I can’t even recognize the person I was. In that dark time I didn’t care if I lived or died. I went to work in a haze. I slept in a haze. I even cried in a haze. I pushed everyone away in desperate hope that they would love me enough to push back into my life. Jared did for a  time. He repeatedly (according to this letter, I don’t remember) tried to assure me that he loved me for me and didn’t want a “brunette bobbisue clone”. Katie repeatedly told me how much she loved me just as I am. In my reply I told her how my dad had told me how proud he was of me and I didn’t understand how anyone could be proud of me. I was worthless! Why couldn’t anyone else see it?

In the end of her letter Katie said “Why would you say “I’m so depressed” and how can you be okay with that? Why do you insist on being down? You are an amazing girl. Let nothing stand in your way…. You are a strong girl! Present that to the world!" I wish I could say that in the year since she wrote this that I had taken her words to heart and had worked through these issues and in fact I had planned on saying it. However, when I think on these last few weeks I see just how much I lie to myself about how ok I really am. Just the other day I caught myself thinking that if I didn’t have to tip-toe around Katie, constantly worrying about annoying her; we would have the perfect friendship. Then I read this letter and remember she has seen me at my very worst and still cared enough about me to write me a letter telling me how much she loved me despite my faults. Wait Wait! She knows my faults, understands I’m far from perfection and hasn’t run a million miles per hour in the opposite direction? How can this be? I’m sure that you, my dear reader already have this figured out. She flat out says “you are the biggest drama queen I know. 

But I love you despite all that."

 

It isn’t just with Katie but all other friends, family and relationships. I automatically assume that if I make a mistake they will write me off as a screw-up. If they aren’t expressing their amusement they must think I’m an idiot, or they must be angry with me. My inadequacy stares me in the face and I wake up every morning with the reality of how incompetent I am. Someone wise once told me “You are only as incompetent as you let people tell you, you are.” Maybe the deeper truth is that I’m only as incompetent  as I assume people think I am. Insert any other disparaging adjective and this truth holds true. 

Novel concept eh?

 

 

These past few pages reveal so much of the behind the scenes of my issues with anyone in the past year. I wonder how I possibly thought I was okay. Because the truth is, I’m not okay, but then again who really is?  I’m still broken and I’m still trying to heal. This letter opened up a new area of brokenness to me. Where I had previously stuck a piece of duct tape, this letter ripped it off and has opened it up to healing air. 

 

In reply I said something not as much for then but really for now “I have learned independence and although it’s a lonely place; it’s where I need to be right now." I’m lonely it’s true. I don’t have any friends left in town and nights like New Years only reminds me of how lonely my days really are. Yet, it has also been a time for me  to read old letters, consider past mistakes, and grow through present hurt.

That is true healing and I’m thankful for it.

Liberty Perseverance and Promise

Written Jan-7-2010

"You have no right, heritage or memorial"

I was thinking of this verse today as Katie and I toured around her ranch. She had a name for every field, dam and rock (well. almost) And she had a few stories for each of those too. All of this made me ache for an upbringing such as she was gifted with. I sat and wondered if she knew how very blessed she is in that. I don't have a piece of land I can lay claim to. I can't take my friends out to "the ranch" and name off every field. My heart aches a new ache at this realization. I want so very much to stake a claim and start making memories. To develop a right. To pick up some stones and make a memorial to my hard work.

Perhaps my writing is my memorial. And the air I breathe is my right.

But paper can burn and air is only good for the first breathe and then it is just a chemical of no use. 

What of my heritage?

Outside of Katie's ranch there is a sign that says "Butcher Ranch, Established 1929". That is a heritage, or at least the beginnings of it. Tonight we watched Good Will Hunting. I pondered Will's heritage for most of the movie. An extremely abusive foster father was all he had to look back on. But he had the chance to be better.  I thought of my dad and his fathers and his fathers father and even further back. Each of them continued to make the mistakes of his own father, even though they too had experienced the brunt of those mistakes. That is my heritage. It isn't exactly something I would want to put on a sign for all the world to see.

Do I have the chance to better? Do I have the chance to be different? Do I have the chance to establish a heritage my children's children can be proud of? I believe I do. Fear threatens to overtake my passion. That voice whispering in my ear tells me it isn't so, that I cannot overcome predestination and genes. Is the desire to have a heritage right and memorial enough? To at least start on a path I can be proud of? Can I rebuild my section of the wall and move on, better and different? Something tells me deep inside that I can, it is possible, if I can keep this tight grip on my dreams and promises. If I promise myself here and now that I do want a right to my blessings, a memorial to my hard work and a heritage that I can display for the world to see.
Then I can indeed have it.

Perhaps I am overly optimistic.
But if I didn't believe these words I would be a hypocrite.
Today I told Janae that she can do anything that she sets her mind too.
Maybe this is my anything.
My all or nothing.

My first brick in the wall that is to be my future.

Liberty is a soul's right to breathe. 

That doesn't mean inhaling diesel exhaust mixed with sewer fumes, but breathing in the sweet aroma of freedom and the opportunity to rise above genes, habits and addiction. To be the best you that you can be. In fact, even better. I don't know what my best is, or what my better than best is.
I do know this, it is out there.  

And my soul is ready to breathe. 
To breathe in Liberty, Perseverance and Promise. 

A Camel's Freedom of Speech

God can (will) bring healing from pain, good from evil and justice from injustice. It is a tragedy but I firmly believe that out of tragedy great opportunity is often available.


Said by me in a discussion on my facebook status (wants to know what Pat Robertson did that has everyone flipping out. *head shake*) a few days ago. It's a motto that I try to live by whether it be my personal lemons or a national tragedy I do believe that God can bring the good out of any situation. He's not exactly a half-empty kinda guy. Anyways, that's beside my point. Here's the facebook convo (yes, names protected)

Antagonist:

he said that Haiti brought the earthquake upon themselves by making a pact with the devil.

Protagonist (aka. me):

I'm sure it wasn't worded that way... interesting

A:

no it was more or less, youtube it. I saw the clip like 10 times this morning

P:

My mom just told me what he said, there was a lot more to it than a pact with the devil. *shrugs*

A:

IMO, it doesnt matter what he said afterward he still said essentially b/c of their pact with the devil, they are a cursed country. The man needs a filter

P:

Basically what he says is that after the French Revolution the Haitian's used the occult to get rid of the French in their country. He never directly says they are suffering the consequences of their "pact with the devil". He asks for a blessing over the Haitians that they will turn back to God. I can't state an opinion since I haven't researched Haiti and it's religions but I don't think Pat Roberston deserves to be mauled for his beliefs. It's called Freedom of Speech people. And whoever said (not one of you but the video I watched) that Pat Robertson is using the money for his own organization is so full of it, it disgusts me. I'd like proof of that slander please.

A: 

"ever since (the pact with the devil to remove the french) they have been cursed..." when hearing that, its essentially the same thing as saying they are suffering consequences of the pact. Hence why the media and the country is in an uproar over his comments.

P:

I didn't take his comment that way.

*shrugs* it's whatever floats your boat I guess. All I'm saying is that I would like to see a little more equality so to speak. I know of many politicians or people in the spotlight that would NEVER be attacked for saying something to that affect.

It all depends on your belief system. To a non-christian/atheist/agnostic/Buddhist etc; it would be considered offensive that one would be judged for their actions against a Sovereign God. For those who are part of a faith that believes in one God (or many Gods? I haven't considered this aspect of it) who submits to a "Greater Source of Wisdom" it is not far fetched to believe that there are judgments to be had when one chooses between good and evil.

"Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."

A:

I think anyone who would say something like that about a country in crisis would be attacked, regardless of belief system.

Protagonist the Second:

Ok seriously, I think his comments are uninformed, but not altogether so out there considering religion as a whole. Certain, I won't say fanatical, but exceedingly devout members of almost all religions want to divide everything into an "us" and a "them". The "us" is following the true way, the way to salvation, and the "them" is following evil. Some religions then see the "them" to be destroyed, others to "teach" them the correct way. From that stand point, his view is not altogether that shocking. There were extremist Muslims thinking the same thing about us for September 11th.

I don't think he thinks his statements are an attack on the Haitian people. I think he believes that this is a crisis, but an opportunity to help the people come to God. I do not agree with his statement, and I feel that it is naive, but I do not feel that it was meant to be an attack. 

And I have to agree with Emily that not everyone would be attacked for statements that were seemed against a country in crisis. I think at the moment, such Christianity is deemed very unpopular by the American majority and by most other countries, so his statements are MUCH more likely to be attacked. Statements of the same magnitude could be made by other groups and get away with much less negative attention. It's all about sensationalism.

This is why I think Pat's statements were altogether naive, but not necessarily malicious: Yahoo News Link

P:

Emily, that woman bugs the hell out of me every time I watch that show. She needs to lay off of the uppers. I couldn't say it better myself, so I won't even try. Sensationalism is the best word to describe this whole mess. And that was a great article too. I think the point that needs to be made on my part, is that God can (will) bring healing from pain, good from evil and justice from injustice. It is a tragedy but I firmly believe that out of tragedy great opportunity is often available.

 ~~~

 The more I wrote the more passionate I got. I wasn't angry. I wasn't upset. I was just back into my debating apologetics mode, and let me tell you IT FELT GOOD.  I stood by my morals, my opinions and my passion. I'm sure I have now been written off as an extremist. But I honestly don't care. Why? Because I realized something. I am extremely passionate about the Bill of Rights, specifically the First Amendment. At that moment I knew immediately what I needed to write my Admissions Essay for Regent on. I started writing and in less than 15 minutes I wrote a kick ass essay, something that has taken me 5 months to even try to outline! Within the half-hour I had proofread it and sent it off. It may not be my best work, but it is something I'm very passionate about. And my hope for this essay was for my heart and my desire to learn to show through. So here it is folks!

I chose to apply to Regent University not only because of its high academic standards, but must importantly because of its’ motto. A motto that I have lived by for all of my life and aspire to follow in greater ways throughout the rest of my life. “Christian Leadership to Change the World.” This phrase excites my heart as I consider all that I can learn to accomplish through Regent.

As I have been interested in Politics since I was young, I have seen the great need for Christian Leadership, in my local state and federal government. I have a great desire for the world to be changed for Christ’s Kingdom, and I have come to understand not only can a straw break a camel’s back but it can also lend support and bolster the camel into new heights. Our world will not be changed by one strong individual but when one individual spreads Christ’s love to another and that person to another we have then sparked a change. This is the change I wish to see not only in my personal life but in our government. As I consider all that I have seen Regent’s graduates accomplish I cannot help but feel that Regent University can offer me all that I need to reach this personal goal of spreading the Good News into my government.

In my Graduation Speech I spoke on this same manner. Gaining inspiration from my work in the Montana State Legislature as a personal intern and the Word of God I came to realize all that we have of lasting value in this world is the legacy of our words. The constitutional right of  freedom of speech is a gift that we have all taken for granted, therefore my second goal is to defend this liberty. What path that goal will take I do not know at this time, however I strongly believe that Regent University will equip me to fight for our God inspired Constitution to remain in its rightful place.

I am thankful for the chance to attend a university such as Regent that has the same goals in mind as I do. To help mold, shape and form a citizen to change the world. I firmly believe that as Paul said in Acts 4:20 “For we cannot but speak the things which we have seen and heard.” we must continue to testify of  the blessings we have received and Regent University is just the school to give me the courage and the wisdom to do so in God’s honor.


So here's my challenge for the day. Stand by your passions. You might be surprise to find out something about yourself that you never knew.